Friday, December 28, 2007

"Humorous" wing nut e-mail

The first time I received this particular e-mail I did what any "liberal" would do: I deleted it. It's not funny at all and, on the whole, puerile and rather stupid. Well, yesterday a fellow liberal sent this bit of "conservative humor" to me, so I added my own commentary, in parentheses and like a Catholic Bible in red, and returned it to him.

History lesson:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of griculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early umans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery (If this were the case all humanity would yet be living in one village,obviously drunk off our asses, and the rest of the earth would be left to the wildlife. Hmmm...certainly wouldn't have to worry about global warming, would we.) That's how villages were formed (This is bullshit, the archaeological record proves that villages came into existence before agriculture, but you can't tell this to a Neanderthal.)

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement (That came to a crashing end in 5,000 B.C. when the Conservatives were too hung-over and bloated to protect the village after a night of binge-drinking and eating barbecue.)

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing (And fucking their women because the Conservatives drank so much they had chronic limp-dick-itis, aka sexual impotency.) This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen (Wow! I didn't know Arnold Schwarzenegger was that old!).

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats (which killed the rat, that ate the malt, to brew the beer yaddy-yaddy-yadda,) the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting (Like this is a bad thing??? Oh, that's right without a King, Emperor, Fuhrer or god a Conservative doesn't know when it's time to wipe his ass, pick his nose or tell everybody that he's "a big boy now and can make up his own mind.") to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided (Well, somebody had to. The Conservatives were too fucked up on all the cheap beer they'd been guzzling to even know which way was up!)

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant (which are on the verge of extinction from habitat loss, due to over population--because even using a rubber is too complex for your average Conservative--and ignorance of simple "conservation" practices. ) Liberals are symbolized by the jackass(Most of whom I see behind the steering wheel of Dodge Ram pick ups, Ford Broncos and Chevy Suburbans.)

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),( How come the guys I see guzzling that Mexican swill-beer Corona usually are self-styled "rednecks?") but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish (What?! You badass Conservatives admitting you're pussies when it comes to eating survival food?) but like their beef well done(WTF?). Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men (Hold on, just a few lines up it says "Liberals" evolved into women or girliemen? You mean to tell me there are "Liberal" men?). Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals (Does this list include Robert Novak, Charles Krauthammer {he was a psychiatrist before he became a wing nut columnist}, cartoonist Frank Miller of "300" fame, "comedian" Dennis Miller, Bruce Willis, Charlton Heston and John Wayne?). Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat (The DH rule was "invented" by the American League, the league of Conservatives' favorite baseball team, The New York Yankees.)

Conservatives drink domestic beer (Which on average are lower alcohol than European or small-batch domestics or home brews, especially the watered "light" domestic beers favored by Conservatives) They eat red meat (If you can call the mystery glop McDonalds and Burger King serve "red" or "meat") and still provide for their women (In other words, as long a Mr. Badass Conservative keeps bringing home the paycheck to wifey, he just might get some sex....once a month...if he's lucky.) Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers (the majority of whom are now "illegal" immigrants from Mexico and Central America. Think I'm lying? Just check out any work site of the biggest highway contractor in you area next summer) , firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives (I guess some one had to work these drones in. But why?), athletes, Marines, ( Sounds like a list of the characters from the Village People) and generally anyone who works productively (Got to exclude insurance salesmen, used car salesmen, furniture salesmen, real estate salesmen, stock brokers, skip-tracers, right-wing talk show hosts and wealthy heirs then.) Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living (at slave-wages because they're too smart to join a labor union. This is called "taking it up the ass without the Vaseline and liking it.")

Liberals produce little or nothing (Except the highest standard of living the world has ever known under "liberal" presidents FDR, Harry Truman, JFK and Lyndon Johnson.) They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production (This sounds more like your average American CEO the majority of whom are overwhelmingly Republican.) Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans (At this time in US history, this statement is the only thing I agree with.) That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed (These are all the creeps whose last names end in vowels or ski or vich, who thump their chests about how their great-grandparents came here LEGALLY through Ellis Island and want all "illegal" immigrant deported back to Mexico) and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing (I call these folks Libertarians.)

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding
it (Didn't forward it because it's the stupidest, god damned thing I ever read.) A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history (They all must have flunked history then or played hooky) that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers (Yes, belief is easier than thinking, after all) and to more liberals just to piss them off.

1 comment:

SteveJ said...

You said American has enjoyed "the highest standard of living the world has ever known under 'liberal' presidents FDR, Harry Truman, JFK and Lyndon Johnson."

So what is it about the welfare state and the leftist tax-and-spend philosophy that has been such a boon to the economy? How about a little economics lesson for the unenlightened?

By the way, remember the abysmal years of Jimmy Carter, who was far more liberal than the aforementioned presidents? (Actually, you probably don't. Judging by your juvenile overuse of f-words here, you're probably pushing 17 or so. Am I right?)