Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Annie's got a crush on Johnny

Haw, haw, has a funny piece by Eva Liddell concerning the right wing slattern all good liberals love to hate:
Ann Coulter's incessant attacks on John Edwards which only serves to his political advantage is getting me to wonder. Her insults against Hillary's fat legs or Barack Obama's weird name strike me as merely false flag operations on the part of Ms. Coulter who although her voice may be deep and her adam's apple prominent is evidencing a schoolgirl crush for John Edwards. Or perhaps something far more sinister. Ms. Coulter is in love with John Edwards. Possessed by a "fatal attraction" for the handsome Democratic candidate. The parallel between her and the movie of the same name could be a horrible portent.

We must come to grips with the possibility that Anne Coulter is the reincarnation of Glen Close. Ms. Coulter wants John Edwards to love her but John loves only his wife Elizabeth. Although John and Anne never had torrid sex (I don't think) on a counter-top in Anne's kitchen amidst copious numbers of razor-sharp culinary knifes, it doesn't matter. At some point she fell in love with him unrequitedly. It might have been the night she went to one of John's rallies and he smiled to the crowd. Smitten like a kitten she imagined his smile was for her alone. "I love you Johnny Reid Edwards," Ms. Coulter crooned to herself as she pressed his campaign button close to her heart . "And you're going to love me back." But his smile was never for her. Spurned, she has turned her love to hate and through the media eunuchs who invite her on their television shows she is exhibiting an obsession for John Edwards. And just as Glen Close finally stalked Michael Douglas this could get out of hand too.

Let us be on the look-out for signs and symptoms of deepening deterioration in Ms. Coulter. When she shows up on Hardball wearing a black fake leather full-length trench coat with the collar turned up and her hair sticking out all messed up she will be beyond the reach of reason. When Chris Matthews wrinkles his nose at the strange odor permeating from Anne's body, the smell of boiled rabbit, we will know that John and Elizabeth are in serious jeopardy.

What happens next will be pivotal. It will be John Edwards who calls Anne to set up a time for the "debate." On the Chris Matthew's program of course. And Anne hearing John's voice speaking softly in her ear will think this means he is going to dump Elizabeth. But John Edwards is a clever politician. He dumps Anne instead. He just doesn't show up at all. His excuse to the public as eager as Anne for the televised meeting will be that he had to take Elizabeth to the hospital but she's okay, nothing serious. But for Ms. Coulter rejected and humiliated it will be the final straw. She will have a nervous breakdown on "Hardball" and slit her wrists. The autopsy photos will reveal that the wounds inflicted upon herself were done with the pin on the back of the John Edwards' campaign button. The one she had held so close to her heart.
'Nuff, said.

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